Life

I test drove a car to get a gift card and now I want a damn Prius.

So a couple of weekends ago the Lincoln car humans roped off a section of the mall parking lot right outside of Macy’s (aka the spot where I park, jerks) and did some event where if you took fifteen minutes of your time and did a short test drive of their fancy cars you got a sweet Visa gift card. I was intrigued, but I didn’t have time so I didn’t drive a Lincoln and collect a gift card. I’m not really in the market for a car right now anyway so it was no big deal. This time, however, the Toyota folks were out in the same little roped off section (again stealing my normal parking place, jerks) with their version of the test drive for gift card routine and because I like money and I had fifteen minutes I said sure why not.

I test drove a fully-loaded Prius V. I’d never driven a hybrid before and I thought it might be a neat experience. I gave the my license to check, they gave me an ID badge, paired me up with a Toyota-employed driver (for safety and security) and whisked me away to the pretty blue wagon-looking car.  I tucked my purse in the backseat, slipped behind the wheel, and immediately started making an idiot of myself. This car was so much more high-tech than my old ass minivan that it took me a second to figure out what everything was.  The gear shift was not a normal gear shift. It was a tiny little knob thing and the console sort of wrapped around to create a cockpit-like effect. The cup holders were disturbingly convenient. The display was front and center and I had to think hard about looking there to find it. I couldn’t figure out how to star the car only for the safety driver to gently point out that the car was already running, but silent thanks to the battery. She pointed out the indicator on the space-age dashboard and I quietly swore at myself. She explained that at under 20mph the car ran on battery and would be creepily quiet while we were in the lot and at stops. She helpfully told me what path we’d go on and then showed me how to get the car in drive and off we went.

And the car was creepily quiet, and then it was feisty and peppy and smooth as silk. It took corners beautifully and tolerated my tendency to go a little too fast. I took fluid corners and grew perfectly silent at stops. I felt like a ninja. I may have started having ninja fantasies as I pulled back into the original parking place. We got out, I was walked back to registration, turned in my ID badge, and was handed my Visa gift card. I walked to my car and it should have been totally harmless. Is this what happened? Nope. Nope, nope, nope. What happened was I collected my gift card, walked to my car, and started thinking about what color Prius I want because of COURSE I need a high-tech ninja car, most likely in black. It’s a car that can sneak up on people! I enjoy sneaking, especially up on people! So the gift card is somewhere in the bottom of my purse and I’ve spent like…an hour online playing with paint and trims, looking for a tiny Domo to hang from the rearview, and I think I’ve named my Prius “Bruce” as in Wayne as in Batman because hello, ninja.

Nothing good can come from this. Send help.

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